Intimate Partner
Violence
Violence
Intimate partner, or domestic violence, can be described as a cycle. Within that cycle are
certain behaviors, some behaviors, as with stalking, can meet your state's legal criminal
definition of domestic violence. According to Henise, L., Ellsberg, M. and Geottemoeller, M.
Ending Violence Against Women, Population Reports, Series L, No. 11., December 1999, 4
million American women experience a serious assault by a partner during an average
12-month period.
Domestic Violence can be comprised of physical abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse,
sexual abuse, and financial abuse. No matter the outlet for the abuse, domestic violence is
about power and control - one partner controlling the other through power.
Domestic violence often begins slowly, over time. Contrary to popular opinion, most victims do
not want or enjoy abuse. They do not "attract" abusers. Anyone can be a victim, anyone can
be an offender. Victims can be highly educated highly functioning individuals. Offenders are
not always ex-cons. They can be judges, police, military members, or one of any other
occupation. Most offenders are charming. They do not have an "I'm an Abuser" tattoo on their
forehead, nor do they begin relationships through abuse, but rather charm. Victims may relate
that the offender treated them better than they'd ever been treated by anyone when they first
met.
Abusive relationships often start with the offender isolating the victim, cutting off their friends or
family and their access to resources. Offenders will take control of the finances, the victim's
mode of transportation, and any of their outside contacts. Offenders may then proceed to
verbal abuse, constantly berating the victim. The victim without his or her support system
begins to believe the statements the offender makes, such as, "You're ugly and fat. You can't
get anybody better than me. You should be grateful for me." Some offenders use sleep
deprivation, some use threats of violence against children or other family members against
their victims. An analysis of offender's tactics against victims resembles tactics used to torture
POWs.
Once the offender has the victim sufficiently isolated and emotionally battered, the offender
then often moves to physical violence. At that point, victims often believe that they are at-fault
for the violence. Unfortunately, Society validates the victim's feelings by making statements
such as, "What is wrong with her? If he did that to me, I'd leave! She must like being abused."
Society unknowingly also confirms in the offender's mind that the victim is the one with the
problem, not the offender. What we needs to ask is, "Why does the offender abuse? What is
wrong with him or her?" Due to the fact that the victim by this time is usually emotionally,
physically, and financially without resources, they struggle from day to day to avoid violence
and hope that the offender will just stop the abusive behavior. They often believe they are
able to control the offender's behavior by doing whatever it is the offender demands. If law
enforcement or the victim's family and friends intervene at this point without recognizing the
victim has many emotional and financial needs, and making provisions for those needs, the
intervention will not be successful. Additionally, the most dangerous time for a victim is when
they leave a violent relationship. What is often construed as a victim's desire to stay in a
relationship in reality is self-preservation.
The cycle of violence has been described as circular in nature. Picture a pie cut into three
pieces, still in the tin. One piece of the pie is the tension building phase, there is tension in the
relationship or home and everyone is walking on eggshells. The next piece of the pie is the
explosion stage, there is verbal or physical violence. The final stage in the circle or final piece
of pie is the honeymoon phase. The offender is often genuinely contrite or apologetic and
promises anything the victim might ask if the victim will just forgive them. The honeymoon
phase reminds the victim of how the relationship was before the violence, and often allows
them hope that everything is ok. Unfortunately, the cycle will continue into the tension building
phase once again.
If the cycle of violence were placed on its side, it would look like a cylinder. Initially, there may
be many months or years between each explosion, however, over time the cycle shortens in
length, until it resembles the bottom of the cylinder. The shorter the time between the cycles,
the more violent and dangerous the explosion becomes. If the victim is unable to escape, the
ultimate end of the cycle is murder.
If you are a victim, first understand that the violence is not your fault. If you know a victim,
understand the emotional stress the victim is under is extreme and being judgemental will only
make matters worse. Remember that the victim is not the one at-fault. Leaving an abuser is
often the most violent and dangerous time for a victim, and the victim is fully aware of that. It
can take a victim as many as eight attempts before successfully leaving the abuser. It is
crucial, however, that the victim fully discuss a safety plan and steps to take in their
case with a trained victim advocate.
If you are a person of faith, understand that God does love you and does not want you to
experience continued violence. The Bible is very clear that one marital partner is to treat the
other with love and respect and Jesus was very clear that the mistreatment of women was not
to be tolerated. You must remember your safety is important and it is ok for you to seek
assistance from a victim advocate. You may wish to read "Keeping The Faith, Guidance for
Christian Women Facing Abuse" by Marie M. Fortune.
If you would like to learn more about the domestic violence laws in your state, or you need to
develop a safety plan with an advocate, please contact:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY), or
The National Center for Victims of Crime at:
1-800-FYI-CALL
Remember, a crocus can bloom in the most adverse conditions, so too can you.
certain behaviors, some behaviors, as with stalking, can meet your state's legal criminal
definition of domestic violence. According to Henise, L., Ellsberg, M. and Geottemoeller, M.
Ending Violence Against Women, Population Reports, Series L, No. 11., December 1999, 4
million American women experience a serious assault by a partner during an average
12-month period.
Domestic Violence can be comprised of physical abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse,
sexual abuse, and financial abuse. No matter the outlet for the abuse, domestic violence is
about power and control - one partner controlling the other through power.
Domestic violence often begins slowly, over time. Contrary to popular opinion, most victims do
not want or enjoy abuse. They do not "attract" abusers. Anyone can be a victim, anyone can
be an offender. Victims can be highly educated highly functioning individuals. Offenders are
not always ex-cons. They can be judges, police, military members, or one of any other
occupation. Most offenders are charming. They do not have an "I'm an Abuser" tattoo on their
forehead, nor do they begin relationships through abuse, but rather charm. Victims may relate
that the offender treated them better than they'd ever been treated by anyone when they first
met.
Abusive relationships often start with the offender isolating the victim, cutting off their friends or
family and their access to resources. Offenders will take control of the finances, the victim's
mode of transportation, and any of their outside contacts. Offenders may then proceed to
verbal abuse, constantly berating the victim. The victim without his or her support system
begins to believe the statements the offender makes, such as, "You're ugly and fat. You can't
get anybody better than me. You should be grateful for me." Some offenders use sleep
deprivation, some use threats of violence against children or other family members against
their victims. An analysis of offender's tactics against victims resembles tactics used to torture
POWs.
Once the offender has the victim sufficiently isolated and emotionally battered, the offender
then often moves to physical violence. At that point, victims often believe that they are at-fault
for the violence. Unfortunately, Society validates the victim's feelings by making statements
such as, "What is wrong with her? If he did that to me, I'd leave! She must like being abused."
Society unknowingly also confirms in the offender's mind that the victim is the one with the
problem, not the offender. What we needs to ask is, "Why does the offender abuse? What is
wrong with him or her?" Due to the fact that the victim by this time is usually emotionally,
physically, and financially without resources, they struggle from day to day to avoid violence
and hope that the offender will just stop the abusive behavior. They often believe they are
able to control the offender's behavior by doing whatever it is the offender demands. If law
enforcement or the victim's family and friends intervene at this point without recognizing the
victim has many emotional and financial needs, and making provisions for those needs, the
intervention will not be successful. Additionally, the most dangerous time for a victim is when
they leave a violent relationship. What is often construed as a victim's desire to stay in a
relationship in reality is self-preservation.
The cycle of violence has been described as circular in nature. Picture a pie cut into three
pieces, still in the tin. One piece of the pie is the tension building phase, there is tension in the
relationship or home and everyone is walking on eggshells. The next piece of the pie is the
explosion stage, there is verbal or physical violence. The final stage in the circle or final piece
of pie is the honeymoon phase. The offender is often genuinely contrite or apologetic and
promises anything the victim might ask if the victim will just forgive them. The honeymoon
phase reminds the victim of how the relationship was before the violence, and often allows
them hope that everything is ok. Unfortunately, the cycle will continue into the tension building
phase once again.
If the cycle of violence were placed on its side, it would look like a cylinder. Initially, there may
be many months or years between each explosion, however, over time the cycle shortens in
length, until it resembles the bottom of the cylinder. The shorter the time between the cycles,
the more violent and dangerous the explosion becomes. If the victim is unable to escape, the
ultimate end of the cycle is murder.
If you are a victim, first understand that the violence is not your fault. If you know a victim,
understand the emotional stress the victim is under is extreme and being judgemental will only
make matters worse. Remember that the victim is not the one at-fault. Leaving an abuser is
often the most violent and dangerous time for a victim, and the victim is fully aware of that. It
can take a victim as many as eight attempts before successfully leaving the abuser. It is
crucial, however, that the victim fully discuss a safety plan and steps to take in their
case with a trained victim advocate.
If you are a person of faith, understand that God does love you and does not want you to
experience continued violence. The Bible is very clear that one marital partner is to treat the
other with love and respect and Jesus was very clear that the mistreatment of women was not
to be tolerated. You must remember your safety is important and it is ok for you to seek
assistance from a victim advocate. You may wish to read "Keeping The Faith, Guidance for
Christian Women Facing Abuse" by Marie M. Fortune.
If you would like to learn more about the domestic violence laws in your state, or you need to
develop a safety plan with an advocate, please contact:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY), or
The National Center for Victims of Crime at:
1-800-FYI-CALL
Remember, a crocus can bloom in the most adverse conditions, so too can you.
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| "I will make up to you all the years the swarming locusts have eaten," Joel 2:25. |